![]() ![]() While most of the main corridors were fairly normal, if you chose a door at random and opened it you had even odds of finding yourself staring at the back of your own head or onto another corridor. Azazel had gone seriously overboard constructing the place, bending the space throughout the building so grotesquely M C Escher would have gotten a headache trying to find his way around. In point of fact, most of the Grigori headquarters was empty rooms. 'And it only took me two days of trying.' Two days of almost constant practice, hidden away in one of the Grigori Headquarters' many empty rooms. ![]() The atmosphere might as well not exist for the construct, which seemed both perfectly weighted and utterly weightless at the same time. "Finally." I grinned, holding the weapon in both hands and giving it an experimental swing. The shaft hummed gently with a sound like a wind chime, and when I rotated it to vertical and looked at the head, I almost thought I could see light cutting itself on the edges. Resting on my hands was five feet of glowing yellow Light. I could see it as clearly as if I were holding it in my hands, and as another surge of Light rose from within me and flowed down my arms, I thought I was holding it. There was almost no thought in my head save the Image. The warm crystal resonance of Light beneath my fingers. A head so thin and sharp it would vanish if you looked at it from the edge. So perfectly smooth that it was frictionless. ![]() Roughly five feet in length, the epitome of cylindrical. Now the moment of truth.' I had the Light, I had the basics of the Shape. Not one distraction dragged at my attention as I reached the maximum extension of my arms, leaving the former sphere in the shape of a vaguely ellipsoidal bar. One major plus about not being human any more - I didn't have to worry about my arms shaking and messing this up, or sweat dripping into my eyes. As I did, the sphere began to elongate, remaining attached to my palms as it stretched. Holding it for a moment then letting it out slowly, I began to move my hands further apart. I carefully refrained from cackling, knowing from past experience that any kind of distraction now was going to be my headache to deal with, and took a deep breath. First to the size of a pea, then to a golf ball, then to a tennis ball, then reaching the point where its surface touched my palms. Opening the metaphorical valve a bit further, I watched carefully as the spark began to grow. "Alright, then." I muttered to myself, carefully keeping my hands cupped around the pinprick of Light hanging in the air in front of me. It's quite a change from the FF.net version, or so I think, so I suppose we'll see if it's an improvement or not. The protagonist becomes too skilled too quickly, and many of the supporting characters feel like archetypes (Raynare=yandere).ĪN: Well, here's the first part of the new second chapter. To sum it up, the biggest flaws in the story is character progression and portrayal. It might be better for the Raynare or Mittelt, or Dohnaseek for that matter, to become something akin to arch rivals, or big bad's for the protagonist to square off against. As they are, they are like what InsertCreativeNameHere said, cliches. The Girigori (Raynare and Mittelt) also ought to be given more menace than they have currently. In addition, frame it less like a Super Saiyan/Nakama revelation moment, and more as a simple progression of power. It would be a good idea to remove that aspect of the chapter, and use it later on down the line. It doesn't feel like he's earned it yet, hasn't struggled against a true threat or been through enough pain for an event like that to feel natural. While the fight scene was pretty good overall, the sudden revelation and level up for the protag feels out of place and unearned. The power up in chapter 3 comes much too early.
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